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The Two Towers
As
service to all of you who were confused by this great movie(because it's a very
complicated story, with numerous subplots and 11 000 major characters):
Simplified screenplay for 'Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers'
Scene1
Frodo: Darn! I still
have this darned ring that i got in the first movie!
Samwise: The ring with the terrible power that causes
everyone who comes near it to over-act?
Frodo:
Yes! And to destroy it we must walk slowly all the way across New
Zealand!
Samwise: Who will guide us?
Frodo: How about a reptilian computer-generated creature
with a bad combover?
Samwise: Dick Cheney's in
this movie?
Gollum: Very funny
hobbit-breath
Scene2
Aragorn: Well my two trusty companions-Legolas, the
Strangely Tell Elf; and Gimli, the Comic Relief Dwarf-in our subplot, we are
pursuing Merry and Pippin, who have been captured by Orcs, and now we find
ourselves in the Kingdom of Rohan, ruled by King Theoden, whose daughter Eowyn
will become my second love interest once the king is released from the spell
cast by his trusted counselor, Grima Wormtongue who is in league with the evil
wizard Saruman!
Legolas: I have no idea what
you're talking about.
Aragorn: Me either. I'm just
reading the script.
Gimli: Well, I'm really short!
(Laughter)
Aragorn: But enough explantory
dialogue. It's time for one of the estimated 17 big sword-clanging battles with
hideous computer-generated monsters who always outnumber us by thousands,
although we defeat them every time, because we are courageous heroes!
Legolas: Also, they have the combat skills of
alfalfa.
Monsters: Arrrrrr.
Swords: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
Scene3
Merry: Pippin, we
escaped the Orcs, and now we are being carried around by talking trees!
Pippin: Apparently, the audience will swallow
anything!
Tree: It gets worse! Later on, we engage in branch-to-hand combat!
Scene4
Monsters:
Arrrrrr.
Swords: CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
CLANG!
Scene5
Frodo: How come, if I'm the protagonist, Lord Aragorn has
TWO love interests, and I'm stuck in a subplot with Dick Cheney?
Gollum: Maybe it's because your big hairy feet make you
look like you're wearing dead weasels.
Scene6
Aragorn: Well, Legolas
and Gimli, with the help of Gandalf the White, formely Gandalf the Grey, also
known as Gandalf the Beige, we have defeated the Uruk-hai in a giant
computer-generated battle. Now we must make haste to the Really Big Rock of
Karambador, before the forces of Ba'Zoot, led by the evil King Weltpimple,
conquer the Mullions of Gneep and obtain the Remote Control Unit of
Doom!
Legolas: Now you're just making stuff
up.
Gimli: I'm still shot! (Laughter)
Scene7
Frodo: Uh-oh! The
movie is over, and I still have this darned ring! Do you realize what that
means?
Samwise: That 'Weasel Feet' would be a good
name for our rock band?
Frodo: Yes, as would 'Kung
Fu Trees' and 'Combat Alfalfa'. But my point is that the forces of Evil have
been let loose upon the land, which means soon there will be...
Samwise: No! Not that!
Frodo:
Yes. Another sequel.
Monsters: Arrrrrr.
некоторые слова:
combover--зачес
protagonist--главный герой
Dick Cheney--политик в США(кажись вице-президент)
То ли назгул, то ли тролль
опять убил Фродо.
То ли Арагорн, то ли Элронд опять его излечил.
Это Властелин Колец или Служба Спасения 911?!
Художник фильма явно полагал, что Балрог - сокращение от БАЛшой и
РОГатый
Галадриэль в фильме не подарила Братству ничего, кроме трех лодок -
чтоб гребли оттуда подальше!
Стоит толкинист перед зеркалом с ножницами и думает:
- Ну, уши я себе остренькими сделаю, а вот как их оттопырить?
Выстрелил Джастин Тимберлейк из лука. Подняла стрелу Бритни Спирс. И
женился Джастин на Бритни. Выстрелил из лука Энрике Иглесиас. Подняла
стрелу Анна Курникова. И женился Энрике на Анне. Выстрелил из лука
эльф Леголас. Поднял стрелу гном Гимли. Пригорюнился Леголас, да
делать нечего...
Властелин Колец», третий фильм, сцена на Ородруине. Голлум падает с
Кольцом в кратер Роковой Горы. Сэм и Фродо вздыхают с
огромным облегчением. Неожиданно из кратера вылетает Гарри Поттер на
метле с воплем:
- ПОЙМАЛ! ПОЙМАЛ! Самая красивая женщина в фильме -
это Фродо.
Да нет, почему-же, Леголас тоже очень ничего!
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